Review of Life Savers Popsicles

What these frozen delights lack in Life Savers’ bold flavor and fun-to-suck-on-icity they make up for in coldness. No, the Life Savers popsicle does not have Life Savers’ patented life-saving hole, so named because one time in junior high I choked on a Life Saver and was forced to breathe through the hole of the candy in my throat until it melted and I could cough it up. If you choke on a Life Savers popsicle, it will melt much faster than the classic candy, but without the life-saving hole, it won’t matter. Also, you can’t skip over the icky green-flavored section of the popsicle like you do with the classic candies.

Jesse Jackson Sweating in Obama’s Kitchen

My family, though never running on all cylinders, has always been there for me. Absent fathers never really made my radar, which tracks things I think this country needs to change before we collapse into anarchy – the environment, affordable housing, longer cell phone battery life, and whatnot.

I do, however, recognize that the problem of fatherlessness exists, especially in the black community, as brought to our attention by Sen. Barack Obama, close friend of T&S, in his Father’s Day speech.

By now you’ve heard the Rev. Jesse Jackson say on a hot mic that Obama be talkin’ down to black folk. I could not disagree more.

Obama highlighting the issue of deadbeat dads to blacks is the opposite of talking down to them. It’s treating them with enough respect to talk to them like adults, addressing the issue head-on, and applying it directly to the forehead.

Obama said yesterday he would not back down from the issue, a position T&S finds most laudable.

McCain: panderer or forgetful old coot?

Sen. John McCain, good friend of T&S, told a group in Pittsburgh that he gave the starting lineup of the Steelers to his captors in Vietnam when pressed for information. That’s funny; I was pretty sure it was the Green Bay Packers. Some great reporting from this douche.

Madonna seduced me

Her only weakness? Kabbalah

In 1997, at a Titanic-themed party in San Luis Obispo, Madonna tried to seduce me. She asked me what I would do if she put her hand down my pants. I said it depended on what she planned to do once inside my pants, then I asked her to stop fingering my asshole. She told me she wanted to make pasty, socially awkward, freakishly strong babies with me. That’s when I brought out the Zohar.

 

 

The Chase

Girls in movies say it all the time, I’m sure you’ve heard this one before: You just like the chase. The chase is like chemotherapy. Nobody likes chemotherapy; they like being cancer-free. Nobody likes the chase; they like fucking. Okay, maybe that’s a bad analogy.